Dear Old Dude in the Orange Vest Working for Animal Rights (Herman McJenkins):

I respect what you’re trying to raising money for but I really wish you wouldn’t use deceptive techniques of entrapment to get people to donate. Wearing a neon orange vest and, upon seeing people, yelling, “Excuse me, but you didn’t see that sign over there!” tricks folks into thinking they’ve committed some pedestrian violation, which isn’t true. And then these startled people stop because somehow you, old dude, look somewhat official in your neon orange vest and fishing hat. Until you whip out your notebook of black and white xeroxed pages of cats and dogs sitting in cages. Until you start spewing out facts and information and asking folks if they’d like a free plastic Japanese fan and then placing it in their hands no matter their response. Then these folks know they’ve been duped. And it almost discredits the organization you’re working for because you seem like this crazed old man who may or may not be pocketing the donations. And when folks politely decline because they either a)don’t have cash or b)don’t want to write a check or c)are simply scared, you immediately pull the free plastic Japanese fans out of their hands and shove them back in your plastic grocery bag and turn your back.

I gave $20 one time to some nice kids at the Chandler Library who were working for the same organization you work for and were trying to raise funds and who didn’t trick me into donating. It literally pains me to see you everyday during lunch, standing in the same spot, tricking people and then again after work, standing in the same spot, tricking people. At first I felt bad for you because you were old and I thought you were wearing the vest because you were slow moving and didn’t want to get hit by a car in Old Town Scottsdale while toiling long hours to raise money for the protection of animals, but now I realize it’s all part of your plan. And I don’t like it one bit. I’m not sure if there’s some sort of competition going on for the person who can gather the most donations or what, but I don’t like your tactics. I’m picturing a plaque with whatever your name is (I bet it’s Herman McJenkins) on it over and over and over because your lying ways maintain your spot as the number one donation-getter.

I don’t mean to be so, well, mean but I don’t like being duped. Good luck in your endeavors of trickery. Just wait until Thursday when you stop me (because you apparently have Alzheimer’s and never remember that I work in the building nearby and see you each day). When you tell me to STOP and tell me that I DIDN’T SEE THAT SIGN OVER THERE, I’m going to say, “Yes, I did see a sign over there and it says MERCHANTS OF TRICKERY NOT ALLOWED ON PREMISES!”

Good day, Sir.

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