I Wielded a Machete and All I Got Was This Stupid Take-Out Container.

Okay, to the guy who was trying to rob those poor ASU kids and people in the Denny’s parking lot with a freaking MACHETE, what is that all about? Was a gun not imposing enough for you? Was your self esteem really out of whack and swinging a machete around made you feel more like a man? Did you sit around planning all of this out, making a checklist of possible threatening weapons? A machete is fairly creative. It’s extremely VIOLENT for merely trying to catch people unaware in parking lots, but fairly creative. Or were you just really lazy and grabbed the first thing you saw in your garden shed?

If there are two things I despise, they are thievery and violence. And if I’m allowed to add two more things to the list they are laziness and a lack of creativity. I also despise Andie MacDowell.

If I had low self esteem and was down on my luck and decided to take to attempting to rob people in parking lots, I’d probably try these much more creative and less violent contraptions:

Cheese grater attached to the end of a rope (I would swing the cheese grater menacingly over my head until the mere thought of a cheese grater slapping upside someone’s face would force the intended victim to drop their wallet and run.)

Darts with rubber tips (I would threaten to toss these directly at someone’s face, and even though the tips would be rubber, everyone knows it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. This would also be done in hopes that the intended victim would drop their wallet and run.)

Cats but real mean cats (I would pen 8 or 9 cats up together all day in a small carrier and then release them all at once upon the intended victim. Nothing is scarier than a bunch of mean cats that are real cranky and running straight at you. Hopefully, I would have trained the cats to pick up the wallet and bring it back to me after the intended victim dropped it.)

And how about the machete robber only being successful enough to get $30 and some Denny’s take-out after all that machete wielding? Moron.

2 Comments so far

  1. Heather (unregistered) on January 24th, 2006 @ 9:58 am

    I agree, Andie MacDowell really does suck.

  2. ash (unregistered) on January 24th, 2006 @ 10:59 am

    seriously! i mean, how embarassing to have all of your dialogue dubbed over by Glenn Close because your accent is so awful! she really is the worst.

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