I just got the best haircut from the Toni & Guy at Fiesta Mall. I know it’s good because I can’t fix it by myself and it only looked good immediately after leaving the salon. I have low expectations for Fiesta Mall, but this haircut was redeeming. Typically, I loathe the mall, but I have a ranking system for all mallish shopping areas that allows me to rate how dressed up I need to get to wander around according to how self confident I’ll need to feel. Basically, it dictates that I will patronize Target and Payless 95% of the time due to laziness in hygiene and dress and an inability to separate myself from the feeling that I am being judged by 16-23 year old girls.

For instance, Fiesta Mall ranks near the bottom, as it is filled mostly with preteen gangsters, wannabe strippers and the elderly. I can wear mismatched clothes and no makeup and shop freely. Only Arizona Mills ranks lower on the ratings scale. I mean, have you smelled the JC Penny outlet? So disappointing. Chandler Fashion Center ranks a little higher, as I feel my clothes need to match and I need a modicum of makeup that is well applied so that the ladies at the Clinique counter don’t gossip about my poor use of eyeshadow as I pass by. Scottsdale Fashion Square is higher still, where my purse must at least be coordinated with my outfit and my hair in place, else I get stared down as if I shouldn’t be within 20 feet of a Louis Vuitton. Biltmore Fashion Park guarantees that I will need to look clean and classic, as if I stepped out of a Banana Republic catalogue (because even in my comparisons I shop at the discount store instead of Prada) or appropriately funky (but not skanky funky) like Betsey Johnson.

I need to create my own mall. A mall that is comprised entirely of a giant room with piles of clothes just lumped all over everywhere and electronics stacked in pyramids and assorted kinds of makeup tossed in giant bins and shoes tossed willy-nilly. And to get in to the mall you have to change into the required uniform which is a zip up one piece grey jumpsuit and you’ll be provided with slippers and a shopping cart. And someone will sell hotdogs and soft drinks and maybe pretzels but definitely not ponytails of fake hair.