Since so many newcomers comment about Phoenix traffic, I thought I’d write up a little guide to explain the unwritten rules of driving in Phoenix. Once you understand these rules, you’ll be fine, and your days of complaining about the lack of turn signals will turn to where they more properly belong: to days of complaining about the heat, your hour-long commute and how you can’t afford gas for your SUV.
1. Traffic laws are a guideline, unless a traffic camera is in operation.
2. If you’re going 5 MPH under the speed limit, you are probably:
a) a snowbird
b) from Washington state originally, but not a snowbird
c) drunk or right in front of a policecar
and you are certainly:
a) pissing everyone else off
b) in mortal danger
3. At night, every 58th car MUST have its headlights off. This is both to test your alertness and to discover whether or not you believe the gang initiation myth. Really. We keep track of how many people DON’T flash their headlights at us out of fear.
4. Pedestrians do NOT have the right of way. Well, that’s not entirely true. They have the legal right of way, but cars are bigger and more common, so move it. I mean, do you want to be right, or do you want to be in one piece? Besides, what are you doing walking around outside? It’s hot. Go to the mall if you want to take a walk.
5. Blinkers/turn signals/indicators are for telling people that YOU found the shady parking spot at the mall first, and they’d better not take it. Otherwise turn signals are completely optional because…
6. That middle lane in the road with the solid yellow lines on the outside edges and the dotted lines in the middle? The white lane to the far right of the road with the big arrow pointing right? Those are turn lanes. If someone is in one of those, they’re turning. If someone is slowing down annoyingly and in one of the outer lanes, they’re turning. If someone has pulled right in front of you, they’re changing lanes. Blinking lights are overkill and a waste of time. (Unless they’re on your house. Then they’re Christmas decorations.)
7. Horns are for politely informing the person ahead of you that the light has turned green and they’re still sitting still. (Waving fingers are the impolite method, in case you’re wondering. Guns are the really pissed off method. It’s best to just go immediately when the light turns green but ONLY after you’ve quickly checked that no one’s running the light in the opposite direction.)
8. Speed limit 65 MPH means you should be going at least 65 MPH in the slow lane. Don’t even think of pulling into the fast lane if you’re not speeding. Unless it’s rush hour. Then, who cares, because we’ll just be sitting there anyway. Read a few bumper stickers if you get bored. Or try to guess what state the person waiting patiently to change lanes with their left turn signal on is from originally.
9. Green means go, now now now! But check both directions first, because red means hurry the <bleep> up before the cars with the green light hit you.
10. U-turns ARE legal, unless the sign says otherwise, and then they’re still “ok” unless you get caught. Ditto for right on red.
And special for you Californians:
1. You CAN legally drive in the HOV lane with only one person in your car most of the time. I promise. Read the sign posted over the HOV lane if you don’t believe me. Oh and also you can exit and enter the HOV lane at any time.
If I’ve missed anything, just let me know.