Because We Are Certified Professionals

Ah yes, ’tis holiday season. The time of year when we bike through our neighborhood late at night, bundled in fleece and rank the decorating and lighting schemes of our neighbors. We are, of course, certified professionals in this field and our opinions should be heeded with extreme seriousness.

Many have requested a tangible document of our ranking system, rules and regulations; however, because we are certified professionals, we don’t need to utilize an organized, printed ranking sheet. We prefer to operate as all certified professionals do in any field and that, of course, is by sheer brilliance of expertise, the extent of which could never be put on paper and communicated to the layperson.

But since it is the holiday season and I am in the mood to be uncharacteristically generous in revealing highly confidential trade secrets, here’s a sampling of how it works:

-1 to -10 pts for overly ornate displays including (but not limited to) life-sized Nativity scenes with glow in the dark baby Jesuses, stuffed animals riding mechanized trains around presents and inclusion of Santa as the 4th Wiseman (Certified professionals feel this is an obvious display of overcompensation for a lack of love in childhood. So does Dr. Phil.)

-2 pts for mechanized deer and snowmen producing unusually loud critchy-creaky noises (Certified professionals will not accept laziness in oiling the joints of holiday decor)

+1 pt for an attempt at a lighting system (Certified professionals feel in their cold hearts that there is some warmth to be given to those who try; however, if they use orange lights they have tried and failed and 3 points will be deducted.)

+3 pts for attaching ornaments to cacti

-2 pts for inflatable oversized snowman, Santa or snow globe (Certified professionals feel this is too pretentious)

If you know someone who you feel should be ranked by certified professionals, please let us know and we will glady bicycle to their home and report back to you with a tangible document signed by us, the certified professionals. Leather casing and a gold seal are $5 extra.

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